his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
