i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
