So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I need a beard to bite.
Oh god it's open bar.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
