i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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