i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
