Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
fuck your aforementioned shoe
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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