so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
