You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
