Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
