you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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