I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
