if only i could text you this smell
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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