apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
