"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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