We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
