Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
