Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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