My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
