she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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