worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
