she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
