My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
