dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
