finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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