someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
