I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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