she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
