Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
