the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize