This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
