Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize