Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
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