I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
