Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
