I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
