That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
