I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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