I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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