I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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