I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
