There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
