i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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