so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
