I molested 6 butterflies tonight
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
