Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
