Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Send help, water and tortillas.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
