my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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