I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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