A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
