Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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