I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
