my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize