we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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