this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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