Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
