Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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