He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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