erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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