apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Holy sore nipples Batman
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
