Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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