My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
